tv The Daily Show With Jon Stewart Comedy Central December 21, 2012 10:00am-10:30am PST
that's a good job 'cause when you're a doctor, you're allowed to ask girls to take off their clothes. oh, my god. i will work on weekends. i would get in trouble on the first day. like, this girl would be like, "doctor, i have a earache." i would be like, "hmm. i'm gonna need to see your ass." [laughter and applause] then like a 600-pound woman would come in and she would be like "i have a yeast infection." i would be like "you should walk it off. just walk that right off." [laughter, whistles & applause] thank you very much, new york. enjoy the rest of your evening. captioning made possible by comedy central. captioned by mccaptioning services www.mccaption.com
news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show with jon stewart." [cheering and applause] [theme music playing] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show." my name is jon stewart. we have a good one for you tonight. newark mayor cory booker will be joining us, but let's begin tonight as i really should begin almost every night, with an apology. we've had a bit of fun here over the years concerning what is commonly referred to this time of year as the war on christmas where a small band of 70% of the country have fought tirelessly for the right to openly celebrate the feast day of their lord's birth, to have a mass on that day honoring their christ,
a mass christ, if you will. [laughter] now, we have poked fun at this, saying such things as, there is no war on christmas or you're [bleeped] crazy. [laughter] classic wit. that was before i realized what these poor folks have been going through. >> this is the thing about atheists, they bully other religions. >> they're trying to put their hands in my religion. >> it's about being intolerant to the nature of tradition in this country. this ends up being about bullies. >> they're being bullies. what are christians supposed to do? turn the other cheek. oh, oh, no, wrong jesus, my friend. >> there is a problem in america with the christian forces being weak. >> that's right.
i'm telling you, bill, wimpy pastors produce wimpy christians. >> they see jesus as this little wimpy guy who walked around plucking daises and eating birdseed. [laughter] >> jon: plucking daises and eating birdseed? i think you're thinking of russell brand. it's a common mistake. to think of him. no, the truth is i think even most non-christens don't particularly care that for about 10% of every year the public sphere is dominated by this one particular religious celebration in the same way christian don't care that people say happy holidays and seasons greetings because you don't always know the religion of the person you're greeting. merry christmas and they say back to you [inaudible]. so you don't know. so what are these atheist bullies want? i'm assuming a dictatorship of godlessness. >> we're stopping the government from preferring one religion
over another. >> we demand equality from the government and it's our constitutional right. you should be demanding it along with me. >> jon: yes! we should because you are perhaps technically correct, although i'm still not sure how your local manger scene enforcement program is going to get you to that goal. but you know what, maybe that godless man is right. maybe the government should force communities to make sure all religions are given exactly, exactly equal treatment, even lutherans. perhaps as i setle into my normal mid-show nap, i can ponder what a wonderful, equitable world that would be. [snoring] [speaking in a ghost voice]: jon, jon! >> jon: who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i'm the ghost of christmas past. >> jon: why are you dressed as
a kinky zombie? >> your ghost form is always wearing what you die in. >> jon: did you die from autoerotic asphyxiation? is that how... >> no, jon, i was hit by a bus. okay. i was on my way to a... yes. okay. i was... [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: but it's time to look at your past. take my hand, jon stewart. jon jon we will fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: we will fly, fly, fly, jon. >> jon: fly. [speaking in a ghost voice]: fly, fly. >> jon: this feels a lot like walking. where are we? this is going to be exciting. oh, my god, that's my old middle school. [speaking in a ghost voice]: that's right, jon stewart, behold. >> i have a millennium falcon for christmas. >> i got an electric guitar. i got a new bike. >> hey, jon, what did you get for hanukkah? >> i got a pomegranate. >> a what? >> a pomegranate. it's a fruit. you eat the seeds.
>> what kind of dweeb eats seeds? >> it was the second night. we always get fruit. [laughter] [speaking in a ghost voice]: good times. >> jon: no, not good times. everybody made fun of me because i brought fruit in. >> it had a lot of vitamin k. >> jon: who are you? >> seriously? how long have i worked here? >> jon: new york i mean, in the bit, who are you? [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the alternate ghost of christmas past. what if you had your wish and being a jew at christmas wasn't weird and all religions were treated the same. >> jon: i don't know, it sounds great. >> these gifts are great. but you know what would be even better? >> 5,000-year tradition connecting me to my ancestors. >> that's what i really wanted for christmas. >> hey, jon. >> after school can we come over your house and help you light the menorah? >> it's a pretty meaningful
tradition. okay. you can come. >> [cheering] >> we'll have dreidels and hypoallergenic lat cas. >> jon, do you see how popular you could have been. is that really what you wanted? >> jon: yes. and they're all having pomegranates. >> but jon, your suffering builds character. think of all the survivor skills you developed as a put-upon minority? >> >> jon: like what? >> low self-esteem, self-loathing, the inability to connect emotionally to your fellow man. did you mention self-loathing. >> jon: sure, sure. >> you went on to succeed in the one field that rewards those qualities. >> jon: comedy. >> bingo! >> jon: being a sad, isolated jewish kid was the best thing that ever happened to me. i can't believe... [speaking in a ghost voice]: not so fast. >> that's right. deal with it. >> jon: all right. [speaking in a ghost voice]: i am the ghost... >> jon: what kind of old-time ghost carries a smartphone?
>> it's a blackberry, jon, this thing is ancient. >> jon: all right, all right. [speaking in a ghost voice]: i'm the ghost of christmas present if that popular boy grew up in your place. behold. >> jon: oh, my god. i could have been... >> that's right, america's third jewish president. uh-huh. and that's not all. >> mr. president, signing this bill will end poverty in the united states. >> jon: end poverty in the united states. well, i'll do it, but i'll make it quick because, as you know, i've got a super bowl to win. america versus al qaeda, and i'm the quarterback. i could have been a president quarterback? >> yep. what else were you going to do when you quit the e street band. >> jon: mother [bleeped]. oh, my god, are you serious? >> i'm so serious. >> jon: i could have been president. >> not bad for a 5'6" kid from central jersey. >> jon: wait, say that again.
>> not bad from a foote six kid from central jersey. >> jon: i'm not 5'6", i'm ninth foof seven. >> not in this world you're not. >> i'm glad to be a jew at christmas. i'm glad to be a jew at christmas. i'm glad to be -- i justed that craziest dream. and it taught me that christmas belongs to all of us because all of us can find something in it to be angry about. you there, boy? >> yes, sir. >> >> jon: what day is it? >> today? why, bit christmas day, sir. >> jon: then it's not too late. here, take this. take this coin. >> i will. thank you. [laughter] how did you ever become quarterback? >> jon: how did i ever become quarterback president? >> i got it right here, sir, lovely coin. >> jon: take this and go buy
me the biggest peking cut in all of china town. >> that i will, sir, that i will. >> jon: then you and me are having chinese food and going to the mother [bleeped] movies. >> really? >> jon: yeah. >> quick question, sir. may we go see "jack reacher," sir? >> yes, absolutely. >> old man stewart. >> jon: it's going to be the best christmas for a jew, ever. >> mazel tov, guv'nor, mazel
show. now, if you looked at the calendar today or talked to anyone, you know it's a very special day, 12/12/12, the day the mayans prophesized as the beginning of the shift that culmination in the end of the world on 12/21. or so i read in idea new age book [bleeped] monthly." the crystals article is somewhat controversial. the mayans were clearly not the best at predicting when civilization would end. mayans. how scared should we really be? what could happen between now and december 21st that could trigger global annihilation? >> north korea today entered the space age. apparently they put a satellite into orbit.
[speaking north korean] >> people in the capital seemed to welcome the news. >> jon: something about that outdoor jubilant crowd didn't seem quite right, like the fact that there's nobody outside that's not in the crowd. but it's not a very big crowd and they all seem to be around the same age and they appear to have been waiting for someone to tell them to commence with the jubilance, perhaps at gunpoint. must be nice to be able to gather a group, you know, who can be forced to cheer for you no matter what. [cheering and applause] suck on that, kim jong. not that i have any idea what that would be like, but let me try with it this crowd. hey, everybody. tonight fiefts night of hanukkah. [cheering and applause] that was kind of fun.
not you, them. give them a chance. hey, everybody. i've got a potato we can chair. [cheering and applause] i'm starting to not trust their response. hey, everybody. i've got chlamydia. seems somewhat scornful. by the way, sources say the united states was taken by surprise by the missile launch. well, funny story, here's what we were up to just the day before. >> today the u.s. air force launched a top secret they call it unmanned spacecraft. kind of like a space drone. officials aren't saying much of anything about this thing, but the experts say it's likely testing out new equipment for spying. >> jon: yeah, guess what -- [whispers] not working. i'm not especially worried about north korea. we all know when the world ends, it will be an asteroid that does us in. on that score we're totally safe. >> close encounter of the asteroid kind. two asteroids buzzed earth, one of them passing inside the moon's orbit.
nasa says the 120-foot wide rock came within about 140,000 miles of our planet. this is the scary part, no one knew this asteroid was coming until a couple days ago. kind of snuck up on us. >> jon: snuck up on us? [laughter] it's not a puma. it's a giant [bleeped] rock hurdling through space. can we not see anything coming our way? how is it we've got this massive spy satellite homeland security apparatus and apparently the only thing we've gathered reliable footage of is what every single airline passenger looks like naked. you know, i don't think there's any getting around it, asteroids flying all around us, north korea launching rockets, what else can that mean if not the end of the world... unless. wait a minute. let me get another look at that north korean rocket launch. zoom in on that. oh, my god! north korea sent bruce willis to blow up the asteroid. north korea saved the world. so that's what they were
[cheering and applause] how are you? >> i'm good. you got a lot of jersey coming on recently. >> jon: tremendous amount of jersey. you know, i'm from the area. >> i know. >> jon: born in new york city, raised in new jersey. were you born in newark? >> i'm like you, born in washington, d.c.,, proved to jersey when i was a few months old. >> jon: so lived... >> lived in bergen county, small town called harrington park. >> jon: beautiful harrington park. very nice. and now you are the superhero mayor of newark. i read stories about you. you pull babies out of burning buildings. you have reversed the rotation of the earth. how does this happen to you? do you patrol at night? are you filming an episode of cops? what are you doing? >> i did pa terrell at night a lot, especially when i first got in and there was a lot of change we were trying to make in the police department. i get a lot of attention for
things frankly a lot of people in my city do every day. i remember during hurricane sandy i let a lot of my neighbors stay in my house until my power came back on, and i got a lot of attention, but frankly, so many people were doing things like that. >> jon: but you're the mayor. >> i am the mayor. >> jon: so your house is nicer. [laughter] >> if you saw how this bachelor guy lives, you would not necessarily say that. >> jon: is that true? does the mayor not have someone to come -- by the way, i see a great sit come. hold on. "the bachelor" mayor of newark. >> no. the news focuses so much on negativity, bad behavior, reality tv exposes that, the heart of this country, you know this, the heart of new jersey is good folks who take care of their own. and their own really has expanded beyond their families. >> jon: any of the neighbors that came by in the storm, have you continued a relationship? any of them you think to yourself, no, i'm not going to his house on halloween?
anybody freak you out? >> not at all. i'm very, very lucky. i was visiting some friends last night, as well. we have a very good city. newark, as you know, has long been disrespected and dissed, but the reality is it's an amazing city making a strong comeback. >> jon: people don't know the struggle. other than, let's say patterson, maybe camden especially, newark has faced some of the most dire challenges and has fought its way back in a way that a lot of other cities would not have been able to do. >> absolutely. the benefit when you see a city come back is the region does better. >> jon: sure. >> and it becomes an engine of economic opportunity. newark produces hundreds of thousands of jobs for our region, especially if you include our port area. >> jon: as part of the comeback effort, is that why you had to get rid of the nets? i'm a knicks' fan? >> jersey needs a team, we should start one. you could play point.
>> jon: you know what, i could play point on the washington generals. another thing you've done recently, you've started living on what's called the snap program, which is a food stamp program. you decided to live for a week on only what the city or the state affords you for food stamps. >> about $1.40 a meal. got into a fight on twitter with somebody saying the twitter... >> jon: sorry, you got into a fight over twitter. >> yeah. >> jon: you're on twitter? >> i am very much on twitter. it's another tool i have to communicate with voters, and i have about a million three followers. >> jon: oh, my god. i can't imagine. like "i got to go check my facebook page." "hey, who is that son of a bitch who poked me? hey, come on." so you communicate directly on twitter with constituents? >> yep. >> jon: don't they just flood you with vitriol? >> absolutely. that's the job of a public leader. you deal with complaints and people who are angry, but you
find people will help you help the city. so i find out about water main breaks before my staff does. i find out about potholes. in this case it turned out to be a tremendous opportunity when we talked about nutrition programs and how one person said the government shouldn't be involved. i said they should. let's try. these programs aren't lavishing with people in the lap of luxury. >> jon: the whole idea is the moochers of society are living fat off... >> this was a week that was hard, difficult, but the bigger issue for me is we need to start understanding in america, and i think this is place where left and right can come together, that if a family fails, we all... it's a detriment to us all. if a child fails, we're bereft of the genius of a kid. if a person falls into drug addiction, we all hurt from that because of the crime, because of the cost to our hospitals. this is something we don't understand, the interdependence of our societies. >> jon: societies have never been particularly good at
preventative action. human nature is to react to a crisis rather than to get out in front of it. isn't that a difficult job for politicians to get people in front of it? >> this was the opportunity. i was in seattle at an affordable housing place that worked on supportive housing, getting homeless off the streets. they did studies. they took 23 people, put them into supportive housing, cut $1 million off of the bills of the emergency rooms. we did it in newark. we brought together right and left, the manhattan institute, a right-leaning think-tank and said let's keep people out of prison instead of a 65% recidivism rate. you have the largest prison population in the globe. >> jon: isn't the reverse theory if they know they are alone and helpless, then they will build their own homes and food. [laughter] >> honestly, as much as we like to joke, to me i think we can pull our country right and left together on these issues. we've created a pilot... >> it doesn't strike me. i never understood why it's a contentious issue. maybe the contentious issue is
what the balance will be, but the idea that people who are down on their luck or suffering wouldn't have a social safety net that we all contribute to... >> but it's more than a social safety net. it's more than a social safety net. i challenge that metaphor. if you empower somebody to succeed and that child becomes a biologist, an entrepreneur, it grows our economy. we all benefit. we've saved the state of new jersey one small re-entry program for guys that people turned and their back on, a prom that helps them if they have drug addiction, helps them if they need jobs, helps them raise their kid with parenting classes, that one program by cutting the recidivism rate has saved the state of new jersey millions of dollars. we can charge our country up if we bring people to an understanding when we all succeed, we all succeed more. >> jon: stick around for a little bit. when we come back, i will break through your veneer of optimism. >> impossible.